Faithful

Travel in the US is, well, very different. I'm all beached out, New Jersey-ed out, or even New Jersey beach-ed out. I have gone non-stop since I left DC again, which is good, bad, and exhausting. I felt like I was in limbo with intense ups and downs in my hometown. You remember what it's like in familiar geography but sights and sound have changed. No original radio stations remain from high school days, no associations with those close friends from the past, it colors everything I've seen there. New experiences in this city confuse me as I always think from the past when I'm in DC, my past. Good friends remain which I am fortunate to have. How have I known someone for over 15 years and still remain close?

Then I went to New Jersey again and spent money, the first time since I returned from Europe. With the money I have receieved for this trip to Arizona, I am now even for that trip.

With my monetary spending, I have to keep that in mind: faith. Gary taught me that term a few days ago in regards to some anxiety I had. I have faith in my next adventure. Always pushing forward, never regressing.

But screw Delta, seriously. I am writing as we take off from Atlanta, my short delayed layover. So much bustling around, southern accents and nothing helpful.

I find it harder to travel within the US, but I still am spirited along the way. More companions will emerge and I will go where I've always wanted.

Explorer

It's not really a travel bug; it's exploration. I'm never supposed to find what I'm looking for; just keep glancing around. I am now traveling to places I have been before: relaxing, visiting friends and family.

I used to be addicted to lemonade or perhaps I just drink too much and get overjoyed when I find some, and biking gives me a similar rush. But exploring has always been a passion of mine, curiously wondering and wandering about. I like to wander, collect my thoughts, walk aimlessly; it's a real joy.

Talking so much about CouchSurfing since I returned to the States has made me more than realize many aspects of that life that I just cannot live without. What if I fell back into a rut and needed to be pulled out? What if I was in mourning and could not escape? Well, honestly I know I would get out of it. I have every tool in the world to find my way, a simple path can guide the blindest.

I have used my problem-solving skills (read: good luck/wits) to get a free trip to Arizona. I could go on like this. "I am here for all your travel needs." I will get us all out of a bind and go wherever I am needed.

Right now I am with Laura, David and his girlfriend Tori. We made fun of David last night for being my bad first kiss and calling me so much that I had to "break up" our two-week "relationship" that he so fervently titled. Then one week later, or an illogical 14-year old girl's sense of respectable time, he started dating an ex-best friend of ours (Laura and me) named Sabrina. Many hilarious backstabbing high school friendships later (even though none of us went to the same school) we can all be friends again. Plus, Tori is fantastic. She is a sweet girl and extremely intelligent. We have similar skin tones and we both bruise easily. She has never been to the beach before and we're trying to show the best we can of beach time.

The water was great yesterday, not too freezing, then I layed on the sand and got a minimal tan. I'm having a good time, feeling at peace.

Airport Ramblings

I almost don't want to write this out but I am at the airport right now. I am flying out, feeling anxious and will be surprising most of you. I regret nothing, ever. I had some things to consider and I know I've made the right decision.

I am starting over, showing my support and maturity in all matters. I could not have done it without how this trip has made me over in some circumstances. I have cut corners where I never thought possible, taken huge chances, relied on luck and strong wits and in no way have I failed anything I set out to do.

Always explaining my trip, Europeans say to me, this journey thing, so American, you'd never hear of this originating from anywhere else. We are the world, we want to travel. There is no place that I have not said to myself, 'I really want to go there'. What gratifying honor did that BA give us? Yes, I asked myself this for almost two months and wanted an answer, knowing I would not get anything concrete. I wouldn't even know what to do with a concrete answer.

Instead, I found a reason to talk to strangers, tell stories, involve myself in someone else's life for a short while. I spent a really great month with Connie and Aurora, they have been wonderful friends to me. "Sharing is caring," Connie says as Aurora is hungry for another avocado. I got to see Luke, my long lost pal of awkward silences and I enjoyed our walks and talks as an odd couple (next generation?). Antwerp welcomed us three girls and we long to return for new years, plus we got hooked on that music and I on Gui Boratto. And of course the last stop in Edinburgh (Ed-in-bra, haha Vivek) made me feel the most welcome, the most included, the most at home. Great conversations with Graham, Vivek's unbelievable help, Dan's randomness, and Marie being the sweetheart that she is, plus the countless people I met an enjoyed at the BBQ (Chris and I finally meeting someone who spoke the same language!) and couches surrounding (James, you are missed).

Even Dublin helped me out without even knowing it. I will be there someday. The real question is, where won't I be someday?

Glasgow

I am in Glasgow today in a very good mood, upbeat and excited for the unknown. I had a great time and the BBQ last night and it makes me sad to leave. Everyone has been so kind and welcoming to me, which makes me regret that plane ticket in some ways.

We are now in St. Mungo Cathedral, where I am blown away each step I take. The stained glass is so vibrant and some live organ music just started playing. In the lower part of the church there are a dozen chapels and with their own interesting mantle. The skull and bones styled chapel reminds me of the religious life exhibit in the museum that we just saw, comparing death and afterlife in various religions.

On the bus ride back to Edinburgh I took a nap, which was a mistake after my long BBQ but I eventually made it to Philip's place. The more I think about these CouchSurfing experiences the more I am grateful to be able to go on this trip, to meet these people, to know that this can exist, and I can do it. I have visited 7 cities, CouchSurfed in 5 of them (not counting Marc's "unofficial" guest room in Newcastle), met loads of people that I have promised will meet again. I am going to keep that promise.

The Meaning of Life

Today is some pretty crazy shit. Well, that just came out, so I guess that's what's on my mind. I was surfing at James' place last night (I had no idea he was 21! Such a smart, worldly guy for 21) and I had a really good time. I really don't have one complaint about Edinburgh, well besides the situation with Ryan.

This is a very complex situation and a few things have been misunderstood. I have tried to smooth things over, work on helping him understand couchsurfing and the way I travel but we are bashing heads. I am not naïve about travel partners; I have had my fair share (Connie, Aurora, James, Amanda, Laura, Cory, Jacob, Lauren, Mike, Aaron, Danielle, Amy, and more I can't think of), but this is like two people trying to prove who is angrier.

I wanted to find a solution but he wants a way out, so there we go. I am sitting on a street bench in the Newington neighborhood getting my thoughts together. Marc's discussion with me about distant friends is coming to mind right now.

As I wrote before, I notice the little details, the mannerisms, the looks people give, the tone. I get it: I am sensible and can see and hear things that others barely notice.

All this 'I' talk is rather disconcerting, you can note that, yes. Walking across the city was great and I plan to do it again.

Next time I'll be easier on you, I say to myself. I am transient, yes transient. Graham would laugh at that statement and I am not judgmental. I am transient as I told everyone in late April as my ideas for attempted travel solidified.

I think about Gary with this entry. He and I are so similar, but he uses magic and I use this skills set that Kai so values about me. It's not work hard, play hard, ha! It's work hard, take pride in that, know your efforts are meaningful, useful.

I am bridging the gap between solitude and social darwinism in some way. I want to sit this one out, stop riding it out, and watch them struggle. What was the name of Dan's game again?

Balance

I have not had a chance to really get my bearings in Scotland yet. It hasn't been a wild crazy ride, but I am adjusting to having someone as my travel partner.

Right now I am in Cramond Village in suburban Edinburgh at the beach where there is much forrest. I climbed up a tree and I feel very relaxed. I'm not overwhelmed by this place, in fact I am politely content.

I feel a little stressed about finding couches because it is festival season but it is difficult writing these requests day in and day out. It exhausts me, CouchSurfing is real work. But I will land on my feet again because I have this bizarre good luck following me.

I miss New York and people back home. Ryan has reminded me of those and his thirst for adventure complicates mine. We are trying to get a balance, which is hard when both of you are used to being on your own.

I am feeling lackadaisical, swearing to myself that this was part of it all. I am feeling good, happy, content, ready, wondering, all the feelings you should have on an unchartered course. I thank CouchSurfing and my great friends for this.  I miss Connie and Aurora, but I will see them very soon, just as everyone in the States.

Let's not take ourselves so seriously and take a deep breath when we need it.

Traveling

Harrogate is passing me by outside the window on this nine hour journey to Newcastle. I see a man with a cob pipe sitting at a bus station, looking austerely at me. There is much greenery because of the rain, Paul tells me.

I just ate some sea salt and balsamic vinegar chips. The British are really good at chips, so many flavors, so pungent.

The man sitting across from me, he's probably 26, looks like he does some form of manual labor; dust and dirt all over his clothing and arms, he probably sees me ogling. He is reading a magazine called Zoo which looks like Maxim: rating girls in underwear, plus the requisite Mach 3 ads and random news articles, such as "Incredible Bear Rescue!"

The green is so bright, older couples walk hand in hand through the field. I've seen horses, cows and sheep in the pastures, farmhouses sprinkled along the way.

There is this Turkish guy in the back checking me out, creeping me out. He asks me for the time then grins for an extended period of time, and I walk back to the bus. The girl I was sitting next to has the left the bus in Leeds, and I think about exploring Leeds on my journey back to Belgium. There's no time, next time.

I keep telling myself how I am going to be more organized next time. I will, I promise.

London Calling

I just bought a dress. It was £3 and beautiful and now I am getting veggie English breakfast at a cafe in Notting Hill, oh to be so posh. I could get used to this. I am alone today, wandering around London to find James' friend's store nearby, and it always feels great to explore a new city on my own. Understand the transit system, watch how people act, speak, all of their mannerisms.

I haven't taken my videocamera anywhere. For some reason this trip is just about writing, recording with my own eyes; I cannot rely on someone else's eyes. Whatever I observe I try to write down, though there is a delay since I cannot always take my notebook out to jot something down. Here goes nothing.

Rinse; Repeat

It's 4am and I am on the ferry to London. I just exchanged nine euros to pounds, oy vey, the exchange rate just sucks. I bought food at Katy's cheap grocery in Amsterdam, so those costs will definitely be covered while I am in London for these three days; however, I need English breakfast at least once, and a chip shop of course!

I was questioned at the UK border for what seemed to be 20 mins. I had no idea that doing travel writing was so risque in the eyes of border control authorities. It seems like hitch-hiking is the preferred mode of transportation for the travel writer in Europe; less hassles, more adventure.

The new plan has involved several cheap bus, train and plane tickets up Northern Europe. Once I am in London I have a host who seems very nice with another CSer. I am planning on attending a curry dinner to meet the London CS scene tomorrow night. I know not a soul in this city, as will be true for all my next travels until the Boom Festival.

Over the weekend I am going to visit Marc Read, favorite physics professor, high school advisor, and I am overjoyed at this prospect. We have been keeping in touch a bit, but of my own fault in my busy/non-business neglect of e-mails, especially good pen pals. Julia, my other European pen pal has not answered any of my e-mails so I am not sure if I will get to see her on this trip, unfortunately.

Marc lives in Newcastle-upon-Tyne and from there I am journeying up to Edinburgh, another exploration. On these solo routes, I believe more writing will be accomplished as well as some significant flaneury (all activities included).

I have to "go out and see Europe," but this is a journey no matter where I am. I lose myself, get scared, land on my feet, then repeat.

Amsterdamned

Amsterdam is becoming a blur; not exactly limbo, but close to it. Where am I exactly going next, with whom and why exactly? Over-run with 18 year old pot heads, this place is funny. We've made some weird friends, including Kevin who describes me as someone who "likes the little things in life." Where he got that impression I'm not quite sure. Anyhow this was a short visit and I didn't go to any museums, but again walked the entire city.

I wished for some actual people from Amsterdam to speak with, but I could find none at easy disposal. I suppose I did not go searching the streets, I just thought this would be more organic like the other cities.

I am not disappointed in Amsterdam, far from it. It was cold, rainy, easy to get lost, but the buildings were absolutely gorgeous and the parties were really a lot of fun.

I didn't feel so alien with the language, since everyone speaks English and Antwerp's trance culture breeds in this place as well. Amsterdam seems easy to inhabit, but not call home. Not inherently alien in the same way as NYC; no one is completely alone, even it if feels that way (in a lost meaning). Amsterdamned will be my next pilot for NBC, a story based on Katy's job and room at the hostel. I will be rich someday (unrelated rant).

No sleep right now, better luck next time. New favorite song: Beautiful Life by Gui Boratto.

Good Luck

I never know what time it is when I start writing. It could be anywhere from 8am to 11am right now, but yesterday we had luck.

We left Antwerp later as per usual in our lazy daze. It really only took us two hours to get there as we arrived at a delicious diner party to meet our host (rather, potential host). We ate and drank and relaxed, though I was a bit worried about the likelihood of us finding a host that night. But our luck kept going and Yaap offered his place for the next two nights.

Right now I have to figure out what I am doing for my last month abroad. I bought my way too expensive return ticket back to New York from Lisbon. This means I am going to an even bigger electronic music festival, the Boom Festival from Aug 11-18, my final week away from home and my final week with Connie and Aurora.

My plans right now are to go to London next weekend and plan further escapades from there. Money is tight but I am here and I am doing this, not questioning myself anymore.

Antwerp

Business and nonbusiness have taken a hold of me this weekend. The last time I was online was the moment we got to Wannes' house on Friday eve for about five minutes, just enough time to write quick notes to people I needed to write back to.

I have now been offically gone for two weeks, the longest time I've ever departed New York since I moved away from home when I was 18. I am not lonely, I am not homesick, nor am I sad to be away. I am loving every experience handed to me, and indefinitely.

What this says about me, I'm not so sure.  I am curious, so let me be inquisitive about the world and all who encompass it. I can see everything if I want to or I can worry about how illogical this all is.

Yesterday, when I was dancing with Aurora at the Heron Festival (trance festival near Antwerp, Belgium), I asked myself, how am I doing all of this? I am dancing with my friend and meeting all of these great people, and I'm thousands of miles away from home; not to mention everyone speaking a language that is completely alien to me. Every time I am in a circle of friends I just look wide-eyed at everyone, trying to determine an idea or thesis that they are maintaining, usually falling short. Sometimes I'll hear "Macbook" or "Ben & Jerry's" then I get a subject, but reading this language seems near impossible, so we are lost in Dutch.

Nearly everyone speaks English so I can easily understand things when my own native tongue is spoken. However, such a language barrier incites misunderstandings, really simple ones actually.

I use the word annoying and such offense is taken because of blatant negativity. I met someone named Ingo who wanted my attention and he noticed my inherent honesty, perhaps that is the quality especially admired.

I appreciated it and I have enjoyed their circle, which reminds me so much of Portland, OR. Even the weather; mild, gray and rainy all year long. I miss Alnie.

New Vocation

I am staying overnight in a gas station. We have a safe place to stay that is warm, not bad, they say, 24-hour security in actuality. I am charging my computer so we can have music or maybe I can play solitaire or something. I wish there were internet so I could Skype maybe.

I am hearing harsh French but I'm not scared. I know I will get through all of this and have greater tolerance and stamina, stretching my limits.

What did I come looking for? An adventure, something to write home about, my destiny, everything. I write and record my own experiences, expressions. My talent lies in communication, relaying those common emotions; I get a sense of the everyday. I see this right now. I can read Connie's eyes as if they are the most transparent glass. I can tell a relationship just by looking at two people together in a photo or real-life mannerisms. This is my talent. Now what do I do with it? I have described situations before, short fiction and such, but I've never relayed this as my "skill" or my "gift".

This is the beginning. I need to find my calling, but it begins here, at 23. Rediscovering in only two weeks is very exciting. I still don't know what this means for me, touch and go, go forth. 

I have so many tools, but invention and I can work on this most definitely. All ideas are just shots in the dark, guesses to get me excited about something. I want something to get excited about.

Writing

It's like 6AM maybe. I keep drinking water to calm down my body, but nothing is helping. Connie and Aurora are sleeping peacefully as I writhe into eternity.

What is it, please tell me. Everything sounds 10 times louder than it should and nothing is
settled. My body is so confused by my mind and vice versa. I just need to keep writing and everything will be fine, right? Why such desperation?

My thoughts are running together and I don't know if my pen is catching them quickly enough. My body is over-heating, my head is about to explode. Was I drunk three hours ago? Yes. Explains it.

I want the day to start. I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Insomniac

I feel like I am alone again, and it's haunting me tonight. I can't sleep and it's 4:30AM, soon to be my last day in Paris and I don't know where we will be sleeping tomorr ow night. But that's not what's keeping me awake. It's anxiousness, not real anxiety, but some sort of fear to take the next step.

My real journey starts on Thursday when we head to Antwerp, a city where I know no one but my trusty travel companions. Yes they are trusty so the fear is not with them, but with a universal loneliness.

Tonight I think if there was something or someone to make me go back, I would go if only to take away this restlessness. I have a journey and I keep to my word, but why keep to your word when you are only testing yourself? Who is going to catch you in a lie when it is you who is lying to yourself?

So again, what is pushing me this way or that way? I am loving this intense freedom that is dizzying me all day long. Decisions are easy. Imagine if I had responsibilities. But I don't.

"Enjoy this trip, and get lost" but what if I can't be found again?

Aurora et Connie

Aurora et Connie have finally arrived in Paris as my Frenglish is getting better. A long escapade from Germany have finally led them to meet me and mentour journeys cross.

I have left Jeremy's apartment. It was nice enough, but I think I almost overstayed my welcome. I think he seemed a little worried, maybe on edge; but hey, first couchsurfing trip!

So now I am at Aurora and Connie's host, Nicolas in Issy les Moulineaux.

New Host

So I moved to a new host in Paris where I don't have Internet, but I am borrowing his computer to do some housekeeping. It's incredibly difficult to type on these keyboards. Everything is switched but it's okay and I adapt, correcting my mistakes.

Wednesday: was my final day of jetlag and I decided that I would actually start filming and going to museums finally. Right now I am sitting at a cafè near Alex's apartment. It is something like 5pm and I am only getting my eggs and coffee now, but there is something so great about this lazy feeling that's come over me.

Across from me are phone stores and restaurants; both of which I try to avoid in order to save those precious euros for my livelihood and travel. Trying to save money, I have been cooking food with Alex and Luke, but today laziness takes hold of me and I am doing as I choose without any sort of consequences. I have also strayed from my coffee diet and food diet of sorts, c'est la vie.

Today's thoughts: I am at a new host and having a great time. We watched "Vertigo" last night after I got home from my Polyglot meeting with Luke. My new host, Jeremy is great; easy-going, very knowledgeable, confident in his own values yet he seems very open and non-judgemental.

By the way, I miss you!

So I bought a notebook...

I started writing in my notebook that I got from a store in my host's neighborhood and I started writing down thoughts of the day as I was on the Métro back to her place tonight. I wanted to elaborate on how I am in Paris and everything around me, a journey in general.

I am in Paris today and yesterday and I am in search of a culture or identity to grasp hold of. What will I write down, document in another manner or experience on my own? I fear to be alone completely and I do not listen to music here for fear of being further alienated.

I have a game that I play where I am on the Métro and I can spot every American. I know the look; I am the look. I am an outsider. This is a game, yet I continue to play and flirt with this ideology.

Nothing is wrong, I am not wrong, Luke says to me today when we (including his friend David) speak about learning language and every language. You have an idea and you must go for it. Be clear and precise and show your idea. In essence, streamline communication into these ideas and responses. Let's have a conversation.

Journeys are useful and Luke commends me for mine. He is also alone and alien here, but he has many advantages over me as an excited student of France. "You realize your dream in Paris, and you make it a reality in New York." Maybe.

Paris

2nd day in PARIS, well 2nd half day, woke up late from major jetlag and lack of sleep due to Seth's awesome birthday party on Saturday night! En route to meet Luke who I haven't seen since he left NYC a year ago. Sorry for the short post, but everyone, I am alive!